Thursday, 29 June 2017
God makes no mistake. He wasn't having a bad day when he created you.
God makes no mistake, he didn't give you what he gave you because he wants to punish you.
God makes no mistake. He placed you where you are for a purpose.
God makes no mistake. He acts on the instructions you give Him.
He does only what you want Him to do with you and for you because He is not a slave driver.
God makes no mistake. But our mistakes sometimes which come as a result of our impatience, greed, lack of satisfaction and pride have often make us question why certain things happen to us while he is 'having a good time' up there with little or no action from His end to rescue us from our self inflicted pains. And even when he tries to make us realize our folly, we see ourselves as the perfect and unblemished being. And what do you think will be His reaction? Beg you to accept His insight and corrections? Of course not. We need Him for Him to need us.
We are mostly blind to 'see' the corrections because it's not from an angel. Would you have waited to see what the angel looks like if the corrections or leading were sent through Him?
It is our pride and insensitivity that blindfold us from seeing that unrecognized messenger. And sometimes when we do recognize them, we see them as unworthy message bearer because they are nothing to be compared to our status or because we are too familiar with them to accept such messages from them.
Many of us are quick to haul blames on others or see them as the brain behind their predicaments.God Himself isn't left behind in the 'blame shifting business'. Innocent people have suffered for the problems of others and many are still suffering when in actual fact, we are the master planner and executioner of our problems.Ask yourself, if you were to be punished for the mistakes you've made in your life because you refused to be led and tutored, what will your punishment looks like? Are your problems not self - induced?It is high time we starting being responsible for the choices we make in life. Some people could have influenced your decisions, but you also have the choice to turn them down. Nobody has a right over your life, it is solely yours. But when we refuse to take the right decisions or follow the obvious right paths, others will hijack that right and drive our whole being ruthlessly.
Many of us do not learn from the mistakes of others. Many would rather have a swell time analyzing, criticizing and judging others who have found themselves in one challenge or the other than falling into the same pit.
Face the realities of life. Check yourself. Identify your mistakes. Make an attempt to correct them. Be willing and humble to take to corrections. Apply them to your life. Get the results. Enjoy the results. Make an attempt not to make the same mistakes again. And be responsible for whatever choice you make in life. Stop dragging others into your mess.
Wednesday, 7 June 2017
Growing up in a polygamous family did actually have an impact on me,though mildly. But as mild as it was , I wish it never did. I haven’t really given much thought to write about it until recently. So, I understand what this is all about.
Why do men become polygamists?
In my quest to get answer to this particular question, I got so many that I find amusing and shallow to a right thinking mind because virtually all of them revolves around the failure of the woman married as the first wife.
Some of the answers I got are: My wife does not give me peace of mind, she’s unable to give me kids,I want mare kids and she’s saying no, I want a male child to carry on the family name, I have money too much foe one woman, I love a big family, my mates are doing it, I want to curb her excesses, my father did same,I am an African man, I never knew she would change in appearance, I want something young and fresh, we live in different cities, so I need a woman around me and the most fascinating one I got recently, we have more women than men, so we want to help your career by marrying more than one.
It then dawned on me that a greater percentage of polygamists do so for the wrong reasons. I am not going to tell you not to get involved in it, but my question still remains; for what reason(s)?
Even the religion that allows it placed certain conditions on it from what I gathered. How many of you follow these principles? Isn’t your means of letting your wife know is coming home late from work with no reasonable explanation or no explanation at all because you are the man of the house and she has no right to question your movements? May be yours is sleeping outside your home for as long as you like without giving thought to how your wife and kids feel about your disappearance? You get irritated in no time and flare up. Her meals suddenly lose their taste. You no longer want a dark or fair complexioned , slim or fat woman. Were you blind when you asked her to be your wife? Even if she grew on you, can’t you discuss this with her and jointly find solution? Shey you too have not changed a bit as a result of being married or age? Abeg, your wife is what you make her jare. You want to be a happy man? Make your wife happy. You want a woman who will literally worship the ground you walk on? Respect, nurture and cherish her. She is like a watered garden that turns out to give pleasure to the owner. You reap what you sow into her life.
It has always been preached to women to tolerate every shit from a man so as not to send him out. She must be the one to be perfect so as to be able to keep her marriage intact. She must be the respectful and submissive wife without getting so in return from her supposed partner. What happens to the saying that respect is reciprocal? I am not saying the woman should control the man, but she must have a say in how you run the home. You don’t need to tell her you are the husband , she knows already. Prove your ‘husbandiness’ with reasonable and matured actions, not with words or rash behavious or polygamy. Who says the only way a man can be responsible is in bedding her? Teach your woman how you want her to treat you with your attitudes towards her and she will follow in your steps.
You find yourself in it by mistake?
I don’t know if you’ve heard of such declarations like I didn’t mean to marry a second wife, it was a mistake. I just wanted to keep her as a side chic, but she got pregnant and refused to have an abortion. I had ex-marital affair to teach my wife some lessons on how to treat a man, I never knew it would turn out this way from men. I have on several occasions. A mistake ke? You didn’t realize it as a mistake when you asked the other lady out. It wasn’t a mistake when you mounted her and pump your seeds into her or she was the one that mounted you, who cares? You didn’t know having an unprotected sex with your side chic means you are ready to have a child(ren) from her unless your sperm is weak? Who says the side chic doesn’t want to become a Mrs and will do everything to achieve her aim? She will even go to the extent of faking pregnancy or paternity because she knows how desperate you are to have a child. Abeg, bros no be mistake o. You think na jazz she jazz you? Why you sef waka go where dem go jazz you nah?
I did because she’s lacking in her duties as my wife
Brother Polygamist, I have some questions for you on this sir. What effort did you make to make her realize her folly? Did you find out if her actions stem from your insensitivity, negligence, irresponsibility, immaturity,ego, etc. For every action is a reaction. Are you perfect, dear Mr. Perfectionist? Is the new woman perfect? Who says she’s not worse than the woman you complain so much about? And you don’t think the ‘fresh tomato’ you so much want to pluck can be faking those perfectionist’s attributes in order to ensnare you? What happen to communication between you and the woman of your youth? When was the last time you had a good time with her? And you expect her to warm up to you. I think you are only trying to cover your failure with polygamy ni jare. I know some wives can be unapologetically annoying and frustrating, but I believe you can still work it out.
Because of sex?
Dear sir, it is not new and neither is it a taboo to be better in shagging than your wife. You like it in 360 degrees? Teach her. You can do a million rounds of ‘nacking’ while she can’t? That’s no problem ke. There are several ways to manage that and you will be okay. Does she even enjoy making love to you? Have you taken your time to teach her how to be better in it? The only thing you do is complain. How about the things she wants you to do to her body? But it has always been the way you want it. Why will she not detest having sex with you? You think her vaginal is not like it used to be? You expect it to be after four kids? Haba,bros! Okay, there are ways you guys can solve this. You hear? Teach her to love the styles you love and vice versa.
Is it because you want more kids and she doesn’t?
Okay , we have heard you. But you need to also know that the decision on the number of kids and the frequency at which you want to have them should be made by the two of you? Have you found out what her reasons are? Oh,you want male ‘shidren’? Ehen ehen? Are the ‘gehs’ she bore statutes or trees? The ones you have already, do you wantu goan sell them?
Now that you have satisfied your thirst
Are you dealing with them accordingly? When was the last time you have a good time with your foundational wife the way you used to when she was the only cockroach in your cupboard?
Haven’t you been too involved with your new and fresh wife that you totally forget the old and wrinkled one? While planning to marry a new wife, abeg learn how to share your time equally with them as well.
You can belong to the two or a million of them at the same time, but you must know that each of them wants to know that her man still belongs to her. Be a loving husband to them all. Ensure none of them live at the mercy of another because it is saddening when I see men treat their other wives according to the dictates of the favourite. As much as your religious, ideological and traditional beliefs support polygamy, you must do it in such a way that your action will not infringe on the emotions and rights of ant of them.
Never compare them with each other.
Some men are in the habit of flaunting how good and ‘wifey’ one wife is to the face of the other. You do this and you expect them to be at peace with each other? You are stylishly digging your own grave because you may likely die from their incessant fights. Learn to love them each for their different and unique qualities. Some will even go as far as tarnishing the image of the first wife by painting are dirty to the tear rubber and that one will come into the house and be forming Mrs. Perfectionist and acting based on what you have told her. And you think there will be peace? No way!
How many of you deal with them equally? From what I know , it has always been a case of the proverbial Yoruba saying; ariyawo koyale(Cherishing the new wife at the expense of the first wife’s happiness).
All I know is that no excuse is genuine enough for being a polygamist. It is no solution to marital challenges. The other woman is a woman too, she is no saint. And if you are a terrible husband while practicing monogamy, polygamy will make you more terrible. And should she be failing in one way or the other, help her out. Complement her weaknesses. Give room to communication. There’s no way she will know what she’s not doing right until you point it out to her. Work on yourself as well, you may have a hand in her unruly manner.
And please ask yourself:
Can you have the same rounds of sex with them? And what if they both want to get down at the same time?
Can you afford to buy them the same quality and quantity of gifts?
Can you spend the same amount of quality time with each of them?
How good is your conflict resolving skill because they will surely quarrel with each other?
What if they both need you at the same time? How will you do manage to be there for them without sparking some jealousy?
What if the new one turns out to be bad too, you will marry another one and another one and another one because you can’t keep up with women’s ways? Okay o, go on and marry all the women in the world.
What effect will it have on our children? Will I love them equally?
I wish all polygamists, Muslim or no Muslim will see this and act it. That she welcomes the newly plucked wife doesn't mean she's cool with it. It is sometimes out of the fear of being traditionally and 'religionally'(permit me to use the word) ostracised. This actually depicts the answers I gave to some men that engage me in such discussion as a relationship coach. Your reasons (genuine, selfish, imitation,procreation, as a means of letting her know you are the man of the house,etc) for marrying another wife isn't enough excuse for you to neglect the foundational woman. She will never be cool with you nor your newlywed. Treat them right. They are both unique in their separate ways. One will complement you where the other cannot. None of them can be all you need.
My questions still remains: should marrying a second wife be the solution to the challenges a man faces in his marriage? Is the new woman perfect? Would he continue to marry more as he encounter 'problems' from them? Why can't a woman do same?
Please I need answers.
How I wish to write more!
What's your take on this? Have your say in the comment session.
Thursday, 1 June 2017
Over the years, it has been argued whether getting married is an achievement or not with everyone trying very hard to make a point. You often hear questions like ; Is marriage worth it? Does marriage change one’s social status? Does wearing a ring and bearing a Mrs. Somebody define a woman? I have even heard people say severally that a guy isn’t yet a man until he gets married.
Questions like the ones above got me thinking and I decided to clear my head.
I remember while growing up as a young girl, I set some goals for myself which ‘must’ be accomplished at the set time. When I got admission into the university at the age of seventeen, I was more than elated to have achieved that feat at that age which wasn’t too common then. I think in my second year, I started making calculations and planning on what I wanted to do after school. I had it calculated that I was going to be a graduate at twenty-one, complete the national youth service corps scheme before twenty-three. And after service, what is next? Marriage .That was my goal. I wanted to get married not later than twenty-three. I started working towards it by being on the look- out for made and ready guys. An unmade guy as a suitor wasn’t an option for me because the target must be achieved.
Did I graduate at twenty-one? Yes I did. Completed the NYSC at twenty-three? Yes of course. Married at twenty-three? The answer is a resounding NO. Not even an engagement ring on my finger. I was in a relationship though. But we were nothing close to getting married. Why? My then boyfriend wasn’t employed. He was working when we met, so I was optimistic that he was going to pop the question any time not long after we met. All my expectations from the relationship revolved around getting married to him. No more,no less. But hey, there was no marriage!
My thought then was that after graduating from school, the next achievement for me as a lady is to become a Mrs. Somebody. All thanks to the society to which I belong where a lady’s success story is not complete until she gets married. Being single without a boyfriend was a thing of grief for me in those days because I saw my dreams going into the trash bin. Some personal plans which could have added feathers to my cap were put on hold because I didn’t know when he was going to be ready and I would have to change my place of residence. I was afraid of starting things and abandon them half way because of marriage. So, it was better I didn’t start at all. That was my decision. Marriage was the only sure thing.
I remember weeping a couple of times when I heard someone of my age or less was getting married. How did they manage to do it? I thought I wasn’t good enough and that was why my relationships failed. Maybe it is true that beauty alone isn’t enough because I have seen ugly ladies who I thought cannot bag themselves a boyfriend talk less of a husband (May God forgive me because no one created by Him is ugly).
I saw people who are not anywhere close to me when it comes to success in other areas as the real happening people because they’ve bagged themselves husbands. Thanks to God who opened my eyes to see that I wasn’t really ready for marriage then. I lacked certain things that will build a strong home. Apart from this, I was able to realize that I was naturally not fashioned to be a dependant. Not that I don’t ask for help, I do. But I realized that there was no way I would get married without a job. Was I ready to be a ‘daddy will soon come back wife’? No, no, no!
I was not even matured enough as I was later to find out. Who knows, maybe I would have become a divorcee or a single mum because I wasn’t fully aware of what getting married really entails.
Back to the question in focus, is marriage an accomplishment? I am very much aware that so many single ladies and guys and most especially ladies have once been in my shoes and still are. Like the proverbial saying that ‘this life is like the talking drum that has its front facing an individual but has its other side facing another .We can’t all see things from the same perspective because what I consider success might not be for another. Therefore, permit me to write from my own view.
WHAT IS MARRIAGE?
Marriage from the common definition is the coming together of two people (male and female) to become husband and wife. And if you’ll belief with me, it was ordained by God for the purpose of having mutual companionship, to avoid fornication and for procreation of children.
WHAT IS AN ACHIEVEMENT?
An achievement is considered as a successful performance. Synonyms: accomplishment, success, a feat.
From the above definition, I will like to big one of the synonyms for my talk; the word SUCCESS.
WHAT IS SUCCESS?
Success is the achievement of one’s aim or goal. We can therefore say that marriage is an achievement for someone if it was that person’s aim and he or she has been able to accomplish it.
More often than naught, I have heard people say that a marriage cannot be termed successful if it hasn’t reached certain years. Does someone’s age determine his success or the height he will go in life? My question now is that ‘do we measure a university graduate’s success by the number of years he has been a graduate or by what he has been able to achieve with being a university graduate? Just celebrate every moment and don’t be bullied by those who think you don’t have ‘donkey years’ experience. Are you searching for a job in Nigeria where you’ll be asked to have a minimum of God knows how many years of experience. It is your marriage, not theirs. My dear,that all the marriages around you failed or are failing doesn’t mean yours will be like theirs.
And please stop telling people that marriage isn’t an achievement. If yours isn’t, theirs is. Abi na your accomplishment?
Setting marriage as a goal isn’t a bad idea for anyone who desires to get married because that will actually make it easier to come to being. Though, setting a goal to get married at a certain age may probably not work out, but it does help in the pursuit of it. And once it comes to reality, it becomes an achievement.
If it isn’t an achievement, why do people celebrate wedding anniversaries? The answer is simple. They are celebrating the success so far as well as the happiness, fulfillment and companionship they’ve been able to garner in their marriages. Marriage as far as I am concerned is an achievement that is worth celebrating provided you married your friend and the both of you are satisfied with the marriage.
What I would just want you to know is that as a single guy or lady, setting marriage as a goal to be accomplished shouldn’t override every other necessary goal. Each goal should be pursued with the right amount of commitment.
And you should also know that the marriage achievement does not come from becoming the head of the family or a Mrs. Somebody. Our achievement lies in the joy, love, friendship and peace that we as individual give to our spouses regardless of the number of years we have spent together.
Get a good, undiluted and unbiased knowledge and information about what getting married means in the true sense of it. What do you want to achieve with the marriage. Are they things that will stand the test of time? Will you be proud of the proceeds? There is no way anyone will celebrate a business or venture that does not bring good profits.
Set the target. Define the purpose. Work towards making it a reality. Achieve it when you can. Nurture it. Enjoy it. Celebrate it.
Dear Hubby,here’s wishing us an accomplished married life in advance. For us, it’s going to be an achievement.
Are we on the same page on this? Feel free to put down something in the comment box below even if you don’t agree. Na free world jare. No be my fault say I love marriage.
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