Thursday, 7 September 2017

My Journey to Self - discovery

I wish myself a happy birthday. Still in the euphoria of the celebration, I decided to share what my journey looked like in the last one year and how situations were managed. I am sharing personal experiences to inspire someone who is likely passing through any or all the phases highlighted. The article is a ‘verrrrrryyyyy’ long one but I implore you to patiently read through.

My journey to self –discovery started about a year ago. My experience has come to make me realize and bold to say that challenges, betrayal and pains are only for a certain period of time. And the absolute truth is that they come into our lives to bring out the refined, better and developed US. We might all have at one time or the other tied our happiness to a certain someone or something. We can even believe that that someone is the main reason if not the only reason for our existence, not because we are daft, but because we are short sighted, living in the euphoria of the moment, suffering from low-self esteem, or not believing in ourselves at all.

Many great, impactful and wonderful things that we would have achieved in life are sometimes not allowed to come to be because all of our attention is on a single thing. And that single thing in most cases is not even supposed to be would be better treated as you would a side-chick.

For many years, and probably all my life, I had struggle for acceptance. As an introvert by nature, I like keeping to myself and my social life was zero. But deep down within me, I wanted to flow with people. I have always kept a few sane friends, but I wanted more, maybe like ten or more, responsible, and decent or not. I just wanted to belong and have people to hang out with. I wanted people to accept me at all cost. I craved attention. I wanted to be referred to as that girl that can groove like there’s no tomorrow. When people who I longed to have a relationship beyond ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ with weren’t looking my way, I felt hated and unwanted. I would go out of my way and sometimes inconvenienced myself to please unworthy people unnecessarily. All because I wanted them to love and befriend me. it was so worse that I used to think something was wrong with me or that I was a terrible person to have as friend, even though I knew I have always been amazing and loyal to a fault. 

It wasn’t until some months ago that I came to the realization with the help of the Holy Spirit that anyone who is never meant to be in my life or around me will never be and when such a fellow is forced, he or she will contaminate me just like a housefly would a sweet wine. I also gained the understanding that too much friends is disastrous and that opposite virtues will never attract each other. It wasn’t until I began loving myself the way I am that I realized the true me. I stopped seeing myself in the light of others. I got to know that there is and will never ‘two me’. I am the only version of me created. And anybody who isn’t ready or willing to associate with me does so to his or her own loss, even in dating as it takes good to recognize good. Real recognizes real. That someone doesn’t accept to roll with me does not mean I am a bad market. Royals do not beg for attention, care, loyalty, respect, honour and acceptance. They all come from their subjects willingly. I now know how to carry myself with pride. Now, attention seeks me. I have made wonderful friends without an iota of struggle. I think I am becoming an ‘INTROEXTROVERT’. My life is filled with sunshine, laughter, fun and love. I now enjoy my own company and that of others.  

 I had lived all my life believing and living in the lie that there is a limit to what I can do. Though, I have always believed and known that I will be great in life. I have always known that I am here for a purpose. I have always had the feeling that I am created to have positive impact on lives. But I sometimes forgot these facts and allowed fear and shyness ruled my world, all because I grew up that way. I hated trying new things because of the fear of failure or not being accepted by people. It wasn’t until I learned that there is absolutely no crime in trying new things and that the failure in it is not trying at all. I now do things, even if I have to do them afraid.

For many years, I lived a lie that it was a singular thing that truly gave me joy, put smiles on my face, and gave me reasons to want to wake up in the morning back then until that thing regardless of being held firmly slipped out of my palms without notice. You know how it can be when a girl is in love. Not even the honour of having the knowledge of where I got it wrong or why it was being taking away from me. 

The loss as I viewed it back then shook the whole me. My defense was broken. I was broken as a woman. I saw myself as failure. I wept. I lost my balance. And to cap it all, I was depressed. Yes, it was that bad. I suffered depression. Though, people out there didn’t know what I was passing through then, only my mother was able to know it partly. And I did well to shut her out completely later on. I wore a bold face. Work was the only principal thing that kept me going. Who says being a radio broadcaster isn’t the most enthralling job you can ever have? The only job that makes you forget what you were passing through before speaking into the microphone. You just have to be strong for your listeners as nobody wants to listen to a boring and sorrowful radio host. Did I forget to mention that your voice mustn’t carry your pains? I once said that the only time I don’t remember life’s challenges is when I am on the microphone speaking life into someone’s ears. How do you help someone else survive what you’re passing through? There was this day I was talking about how to deal with heartbreak in a relationship on one of my shows. Many single ladies and men called in to share their present heartbreaks experiences and asked for my advice on how to deal with and overcome them. Have you ever been boxed to a corner? That was exactly what happened to me that night. I still didn’t know where the inspiration and the intellect to tackle those questions came from. I lifted thousands of relationship broken spirits. I mended shattered hearts. I wiped tears from faces and replaced it with laughter. The several phone calls I got during and after the show testified to that fact. But you know what, I was weeping while wiping the tears of others. My heart was breaking while I was busy mending others. I was shedding tears while presenting that night for three hours. Thank God, I was the only one in the studio that night. Would I even have minded? I don’t think so because it wasn’t planned. And I couldn’t hold myself. Oh my, I think I’m a super woman. *winks*

We sometimes peg important things in our lives because of relationship. Ladies are the guiltiest set of people in this category. We refuse or simply delay doing some vital things because all we can think of is settling down in marriage. All we want to do is get married. We are afraid of starting things because our man can propose anytime and we would have to drop those things halfway. We believe that the next best thing that can happen or should happen to us after schooling or learning a craft is marriage. Let me share my experience. I completed the mandatory National Youth Service Scheme in the year 2013. My aim many years before then was to earn a post graduate degree immediately after that because I had goals. But you know what; I shelved that goal because I was afraid of starting a program and had to abandon it halfway when the person I was dating back then proposes marriage. I had a plan to set up a small scale business, but that too was scrapped simply because I didn’t want to start the business and leave it again because I was going to relocate because of marriage. Those are some of the things I was supposed to do but didn’t because all I could see and expecting was marriage. Did the person proposed marriage? Hell no! Precious time wasted? Yes. Ideas buried? Yes. Purpose lost? Yes.

Mine was so bad that I found it difficult to socialize. I was scared of being carried away or meeting someone else. My life was practically at a stand-still. I am naturally not the out-going type, but that time was worse. I lost a host of friendships that could have shaped me positively. I shut a lot of people out of my life because I thought they were going to divert my attention from him. I thought I was in love not knowing that I was doing myself a great deal of harm. Being in love with someone shouldn’t stop you from building relationships with others. Friendship is what will cushion the effects heartbreaks will ever have on you.

Fast forward to when the relationship got broken. There was no notice. It caught me unaware. I never believed it could be broken because I thought we’ve formed an unbreakable bond. And that was why it shook me to the marrow. My dear, no relationship is guaranteed to last forever. The only good you can do yourself is to live in the moment while achieving other things. Focus on your goals, aspire, follow your dreams while bathing in the euphoria the relationship brings. Nobody is guaranteed to stay in your life forever. Only you can stay with you forever.

The very few people that were privy to my struggle then did all within their capacity could to lift my spirit physically, emotionally and spiritually, but those things didn’t get me at all. I was too broken beyond repair. I weep at the slightest opportunity of being alone. Nobody can heal you when you are not ready for healing. Nobody can make you enjoy living if you don’t want to. The truth is that many sick people die not because the doctors and their loved ones didn’t give them the best of care, love and attention. They died because they gave up on themselves. Why do you think some someone whose medical condition were tagged as critical and the doctors had asked their family members to take heart because they have done all that is possible to make them live, but not yielding results and have therefore being left for the dead still bounce back to live again? It’s a miracle, right? You’re right. But do you know that a larger percentage of such people actually fight very hard internally to remain alive? They chose to live and that is why they do. It was their freewill to live that made the medical care effective, and not really the money spent by their family members.

It was the knowledge of those that launched and put my feet on the path of self-discovery. The depression was killing me. I was doing what I am ashamed of saying publicly to lull myself to sleep. That singular act when discovered became an addiction. It was working for me, but I was dying and it actually did nothing to alleviate my pains. I remember that the only thing I wanted to do then was to sleep because that was when I didn’t have to think about it. But I still had to wake up to my pains again standing tall like the famous Olumo Rock. Note this, an addiction has never and will never be the solution to life’s challenges. It only makes you worse.

My healing started after speaking to one elderly woman I met in the course of my job. She was an interviewee for one of my shows but she developed a kind of affection. And thank God I received the love. It was many weeks after the interview that it was pressed on my spirit to talk to her about what I was going through. Note that I have people around me who have done almost all the best things in the world to rehabilitate me to no avail. My opinion was that they didn’t understand what I was passing through and that they were not being fair to me by telling me not to grieve but move on. How will you tell me to move on just like that after losing a four-year relationship was the only question I kept on asking them.

I obeyed the leading of the spirit to talk to the Mama. She talked sense into my head that early morning. She shared her personal experiences with me. She reset my thinking faculty to factory mode with her lovingly - harsh words. The words pierced my heart, mind and spirit. I left her place broken than I was when I went there. But that actually remolded me. I got to realize that I had not been fair to myself. I had subjected myself to undue torture. I was able to tell myself that "Haa, Busayo, you don suffer no be small".

I started looking for ways to break free from my self induced bondage. I started seeing myself in another light. I put a stop to self-pity. I started reading books. God bless the likes of Joyce Meyer, T.D Jakes. They are an inspiration. Apart from reading, I broke the defense wall I have built around me in relating with people. I also mended broken friendship and build new and flourishing ones. I was able to tell myself that the loss wasn’t mine but the one who was too blind to see the amazing stuff I am made of. I discovered that there will never be two versions of me as I am the only version of myself that could ever be created. And nobody will actually love me better than I love myself. I gave in to healing.  I welcomed relief. I gave God the chance to heal me and show me the true sense of living. My passion was renewed, and a new me was birthed. Positivity replaced negativity. My eyes were open to the fact that I had been getting below what I truly deserve and worth. The reigning queen in me was birthed. The fierce and strong woman evolved. True happiness is the one created by you and for you. Please try as much as you can to be your source of happiness. Tying your happiness and hope to humans will only leave you betrayed, broken, dejected, humiliated and sorrowful. Break the status quo. Smash your fears. Do it, even if you have to do it afraid.

Learn to do things that give you freedom. Don’t ensnare yourself because of a relationship. Live the real you while giving your partner your best. You come first in all things and it is and will always be your choice to live a good life just like a very ‘very’ amazing and cute friend like that I met at the latter days of the dark period would always tell me. His story is another epic topic for discussion on its own. He did so well without knowing it to nourish and encourage the newly discovered me. He watered the seed planted by that Mama I talked about earlier. And he was able to achieve that because I was ready and willing to be healed. Healing comes to only those who welcome it. The truth is that if he were to come into my life in my medieval life, I would have shut him out. That is why it is very important for you to talk to people when you are confronted with challenges, most especially those who aren’t close to you. They will talk to you without sugar-coating anything. They will not be afraid of dishing out hurtful words to heal you. They won’t pamper you to your own detriment. My close buddies tried , but they didn’t in the actual sense. They wanted me to heal but were merely scratching the surface because they were afraid to hurt me. It takes heat to bring out fire. It takes madness to cure madness. And please be truthful in giving details when you meet such people. Be open and don’t garnish anything because that will help them to help you.

The rebirth created a new passion for my job. This blog was created. A step was taken to advance academically. My mode of dressing changed. Do you know that it is only when you put nice things into your soul that you know how to dress well?  I know how to handle a relationship better. I love me to a fault. Bold steps were taken and still going to be taken. I know that I am still far from being where I want to be, but I am still moving. I am better than I was on my last birthday. I am evolving. I am manifesting. I am growing. I love myself better. I am discovering myself.  And that is why I tagged this year’s birthday celebration as #myjourneytoselfdiscovery#powerofmore.

Dear friend, your goal must not be to show anybody anything neither is it to spite anyone because they did or do not believe in your dreams. You just need to strive to be better. Find the real you. Be the original you. Be on your own lane. Find your own space because the world is big enough to accommodate everyone’s dream. Living your life to show anyone the stuff you are made of is a waste of valuable time and misplaced priority because that could actually make you search for help in the wrong places and that would eventually deal a terrible blow on your destiny. We only need to seek to find the path for us, shine the light, get better and renewed. Enjoy all aspects of life concurrently. None should affect the others. They all matter in their own measure. 

This song by Emma and Binda will inspire you. 

Kindly share to reach everyone that needs to find themselves.

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  1. Okay, this is a great read! It tells the kind of person you have become to share your story in this way. It takes boldness. It takes self-discovery. I'm happy for you Busayo.

  2. Come to think of it, that's the first time I've ever called you Busayo since probably the day we met. Lol.


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